It Hurts In The End

 

When things that matter come to an end it’s always sad. The shows we binged on and now that they are over, we wonder what we are going to do without those characters that became a part of our life, we watched them and almost lived with them, they were part of us, we loved with them, and we cried with them. Or when your best friend moves out of state and it’s so hard to imagine life without that person, who are you going to call and see if you get lonely or just need to talk?

When a person that you love suddenly starts building walls and you watch that person slowly drift further and further away, and you don’t know what to do and how to stop it, that’s when it hurts the most. You try to reach for that person but no longer can, and you stare in their direction knowing that at this point it’s lost and no matter how much you try to hold on to it, no matter how hard you try to make it work, it won’t change a thing. Your relationship turned into sand that’s slipping through your fingers and you feel how much lighter the weight is getting with every passing second.

It hurts losing. Especially because this is not what you wanted. It made you so happy to be with that person, made you want this to last at least for a little while so you could feel this euphoria longer from being near and sharing life together. That person was your favorite drug and you want more of it. One day everything changed, and you’re left wondering what happened… You don’t even know exactly when it happened, but comparing now and then you clearly see the difference. You fight with yourself, and try to look back hoping to find answers but it’s hard because it wasn’t you whose feelings changed, it wasn’t you who started fading away…

You hate these periods of self-blaming. Like it’s all your fault but you really don’t know what you did. You try to stay busy, you try to forget but your mind keeps bringing you back to those memories that made you so happy, except now they are especially painful because you know they are your past and you won’t ever feel that again. You try not to burst in tears and feel that lump in the back of your throat. You want to be strong but it’s such hard work, but you can’t let yourself be weak either. No, no, no… You won’t run after someone who chose to run away from you!

You’re so desperately trying to occupy your mind that you’re ready to keep doing things just so you don’t have to stare at your phone waiting to hear from him. A relationship involves two, so why sometimes does one fail to communicate? You wish you could get your answers. You are pretty sure you won’t.

You keep repeating like a mantra that the pain will get easier, it will go away… You keep rocking like a crazy person whispering that it will pass. You always told all your friends that, it must be true! You know you believed in it! So why is it not working? Taking a deep breath, you feel the flow of oxygen to your lungs. Exhale and the pain in your chest comes back, and you feel that lump in your throat again. It will get easier, it has to… Closing your eyes and giving yourself a silent promise to be strong. Time heals all wounds, so what’s another one? Somehow this one is taking longer to heal than others you had but, hey, now you have all this time on your hands…

You wish you knew in the beginning, you wish there was a way to see the whole relationship from start to finish and you would never jump into this. Life is about balance and you guess that’s how you pay for being so happy, even though it wasn’t for long. You were so incredibly happy, and now it hurts in the end…

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